Come on.
Geez.
This fuckin' thing.
Fuckin'...
Fuck!
Fuckin' piece of shit.
Fuckin' piece of...
No, it's Persona 4. The same thing.
Why do I have to spend
every evening fishing, when I could be studying for,
you know, increasing my stats and...
Can I call you back? That's awesome. Cool.
Yeah. No, dude. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
See you.
Hey, come on in. Sorry about that.
Little bit of, er... afternoon business.
My name is James. Nice to meet you.
Yeah, I'm Marty.
So, Marty, they say you're looking to close your checking account.
Yep.
Er... any specific reason that you want to leave First Federal?
- Not really. - Oh. Okay.
Just let me, or one of my team members, know
if there is anything that we can do to improve ourselves in the future, okay?
Totally.
And your last name, Marty?
Jackitansky.
Oh, whoa. "Y"?
- "Y," did you say? - Yeah. S-K-Y.
Okay, sorry. Could you just start from the beginning?
K-Y. Is that Polish?
White Russian.
Most people think Polish.
Jackitansky. Yeah, that makes sense.
Well, let's get the paperwork going.
- Got the day off today? - On break.
Well, we will make this quick and painless.
I don't want them to wonder where you are.
No, that's cool, man. They don't even know that I'm gone.
Yeah.
Oh, man, I can tell you, I feel the same way on my lunch break.
No. I mean they think I'm still there.
I've been gone for, like, two hours.
Er... so where do you work?
First Federal.
This building?
No. The branch down on Washington, Mortgage Department.
I'm a temp, so they don't keep track of us very well.
Okay. Oh.
Er...
Yeah, let's get down to business, hey?
Er... I'm just gonna need you to... to sign a few things.
There we go.
Down at the bottom, please.
Just like that, right down there,
and signature, and date.
Okay.
So how would you like your remaining balance returned to you?
Cash or cashier's cheque?
Cash is fine. Doesn't matter.
All right, I'll just go get your balance from one of the tellers.
Any specific way you want your money?
It really doesn't matter.
Okay. One moment.
Okey-dokey. Here we go.
We got 100, 200, 50, 55,
and 38 cents.
- That's yours. This one is mine. - Great.
So, is there anything else that we can do for you today?
Er... yeah, actually.
All right. What would that be?
I'd like to take advantage of your free-checking promotional.
I'm sorry? W... what's...?
The sign on the window says you get fifty dollars
if you open a free checking account.
Well, there are stipulations.
You know, you can't just close one account
and open up another one.
Why not?
Well, first of all, it doesn't apply to employees.
I'm a temp.
Well, then, er... do you know that
you need your checking account to stay open for six months,
or else there's a penalty?
Well, there wasn't a penalty when you just closed mine.
And how long was it open?
Today, I happen to be celebrating
the six-month anniversary of opening that account.
Wh...
Come on.
Come on, you...
This is a waste of my time.
Not mine.
You know you work for us?
I'm a temp.
Doesn't look good at all.
Doesn't matter.
Th... there's also a minimum deposit required
to be eligible for the promotion.
Well, I happen to have $255.38 right here.
So...
Can I ask you once again
what was wrong with your original checking account?
It's irrelevant.
So you're just trying to cheat the system.
Absolutely.
For fifty dollars.
Absolutely.
Oh, my gosh, Marty!
You've been gone for like an hour.
Actually, Stacy, it's been more like three hours.
- Hey, did my supplies come in yet? - No.
And I don't believe you were gone for three hours.
I'm not stupid.
Dude.
- Dude, check this out. - What?
New music CD from my CD pal Tariq.
How long was that break, man?
- Three hours. - Three hours?
-You are gonna get busted, man. No, I won't.
What were you doing for three hours?
Man, I got the nuggets on three lives.
Oh, yeah, right. You can't even get to 'em on 25 lives.
I did it, so suck it.
- That game's stupid anyway. - No, it's sweet.
You ready for this, man?
Come on.
I think this is gonna be something you really like.
Okay, here we go.
Feel it for a second.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. You like this?
S
Mmm. Kubes.
- Whatever. Sit down, Kubiak. - Sorry, Kubes.
Mmm. Mmm. You don't like this stuff, man?
- It's not my thing. - Oh, dude.
- Come by at five-thirty. - Why?
I brought in my subwoofers from home.
- What, are you gonna party in the office? - Oh, totally. Totally.
- Come by, dude. - Yeah, sounds sweet.
It will be.
Employee of the week nominations, they just came out.
- Mm-hmm. - Might be up, Carol said.
- Oh, cool. - It'll be my fourth one in two years.
Wow.
You haven't been nominated once, dude.
- No, I haven't. - You know, if you get six of 'em,
in one year, that's a 25-cent bonus.
- What do you think about that? - I don't care, man.
- I'm done with this crap job. - You say that all the time, dude.
No, but I mean it, man. I don't need it.
I'm sick of wasting my time here.
I can make money anywhere.
Oh, yeah, what, just like cheat McDonald's for the rest of your life?
Well, I got bigger things...
Busy, guys?
Um... I am. I don't know about Marty, though, so...
Oh, he's bothering me.
Goodbye, Derek.
Nice, dude. Butthole.
- I have an easy job for you, Marty. - Cool.
These came back as undeliverable,
so try to look these people up in the system,
and, if the address isn't updated,
try to call them and get a current address.
Otherwise, try the White Pages.
Okay? We just need to make sure we have the right address.
They're just some small cheques for taxes that they've overpaid on.
Well...
I'll get to it, Carol, but, you know,
I got a lot goin' on around here, so...
You know what? I'd like this finished by Friday.
Okay? Whatever you can't find, just give back to me.
- Okay. - All right. Thank you, Marty.
Yep.
Hello. This is Martin Jackitansky from First Federal Mortgage.
I was just calling to let...
Sorry, hello?
Whatever.
I was just calling to let you know we got an envelope here that...
No, please hold on. You're gonna want to hear this. This is good new...
Marty, why do you even need this stuff?
You know, we don't even have this type of printer.
And this label maker? This is like a fifty dollar label maker.
And these pens are the most expensive pens in the catalogue.
And a heavy-duty stapler?
Why do you even need this stuff?
What do you care? We work at a bank.
And we're temps.
Well, I'm getting hired in next month.
That sounds terrible.
- Hey, Carol. - Hey, Marty.
Er... just gonna take some stuff down to Recycling here.
Er... that's fine, but you know we have people that do that, right?
Yeah, I understand that, but, um...
it was getting pretty full, and I just figured
I'd grab a breath of fresh air, you know?
Well, okay. Suit yourself.
Okay.
Hey, Mom. It's me, Marty.
I got your card in the mail today.
Yeah. No, that's fine. I forget it every year, too.
The reason I'm calling is, you made the cheque out to Dana.
Wait. What?
I don't know how to do that. What do you mean?
Just write my name on the back?
All right, whatever. It's cool.
Yeah, everything's good at work. Yeah.
No, it's, er... they even asked me to be manager today.
So that's pretty cool.
Might do that.
No, I... I've been good about it.
Hey.
No.
Hey, Mom, I gotta go. Okay? I got a...
I got a bunch of people waiting for me.
They're taking me out to dinner tonight, so...
Yeah. Friends.
Yeah, I got, like, ten of 'em.
Okay, anyway... yeah.
All right. Later.
♪
Hey, what's up, Zach?
Oh, pretty good.
Ah. More returns. All right.
You know it.
Got some weird toner stuff.
Ooh. Roller ball.
Hmm.
Stapler.
All right, in-store credit or cash?
Come on, dude.
All right. Cash. Hang on.
Er... then an "E".
Then...
Looks like an "X". Oh...
No, I bought 'em like two days ago.
Okay.
Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry.
Is this like a coupon for a free one,
or is this just gonna be 50 cents off?
What...
Oh! Beautiful.
All right, great. Yeah. Thank you.
All right.
- Hey, who you talking to? - Hey.
- Yeah, no, I'm here. - He's a liar and a cheater.
Dude!
Yeah, also my mailing address. Yeah.
Who you talking to?
Okay. That's it?
All right. Thank you.
- What's this? - All right. Yep.
- What is this, dude? - Definitely.
Sure.
Yep. Bye.
- Bye. - What is this?
- Dude! - What?
- Hey, come on. - What's this stupid drawing, man?
- What is this thing? - It's something I'm making, man.
It's the plans.
This is plans for something you're making?
What is it, some mediaeval butt-scratcher?
It's a glove.
- A glove? - Yeah.
- It's actually kind of sweet. - Yeah.
You're gonna make this?
With those things up there and stuff?
Yeah. They're blades.
Well, this looks like a third-grader did it, man.
This blueprint... the scale's way off.
Everything doesn't make sense.
If you want a sweet blueprint of this,
I got this blueprint software on my computer.
I'll give it to you for free, man. It'll be way better.
Don't bother, man. I don't ever even use my computer.
Yeah, what is that? You're scared of technology and robots and stuff.
- It's a good reason. - Yeah.
Come over to the party zone next week.
I'm getting a new computer installed.
That's gonna be an awesome situation down there.
- What is this party zone? - Party zone.
I'm turning my basement into, like, a party-zone thing, man.
I've told you about it before.
Hey, come on, man, that's not your cheque, dude.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's not your cheque either.
Well, it will be, if I can't find this person's address.
- Those are the cheques Carol gave you? - Mmm.
It does... you can't just take someone's cheque and make it yours, man.
- Doesn't work like that. - Yeah, I can.
I will do it, all the way to the bank.
- To the bank? - Mm-hmm.
Dude, they're not gonna cash that.
I've worked here for three months longer than you.
They can see the front and the back of every one of those cheques.
You're gonna get in trouble, dude. It's not gonna work.
I don't think that's true, man. I'll ask Carol.
Ask her.
I'm just gonna sign it over to myself.
Hmm. So it'd be like the time you were at Best Buy,
- switching the price tags on the CDs? - Mmm.
Now that was hilarious, man. This is what this is gonna be like.
- Dude, it's not gonna be like that. - Yeah, it's gonna be like that.
No. My mom told me that I just have to sign the person's name...
Who's this? Wayne Needier.
Just write Wayne... Needier.
Pay to the order of...
Martin... Jackitansky.
- That looks stupid. - Ta-da.
Dude, what are you eating, man?
Like a Milky Way mini muncher, or something like that.
It's gross, dude. Stand back. Geez.
You're gonna get fired for that, you know that?
I wish.
- You wish? - Mmm.
Dude, this job is awesome, man.
Dude, no, it's not, man.
We get paid 9.50 an hour? That's bogus.
This crap mortgage company doing this crap work.
Fuck 'em.
Marty, from this job alone I got like $400 cash at my house.
What do you think about that?
Dude, in this stack alone, 2,000.
Now that's the real deal.
Doesn't matter. You're not gonna do it.
You're gonna wuss out, as always.
You're not gonna do it.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah. Not gonna happen.
Check this out.
Done.
You're the wuss.
Well, I'm gonna tell on you, so...
Hey, man, no you're not. You're not gonna say anything to anybody.
- Okay, okay. - You got it? Not Kubiak, not anybody.
- You understand? - Okay. Chill out.
I will strangle you, I will break your neck, and I will kill you.
- You got it? - Okay! Psycho, man. Relax.
Geez.
- Let's go to Taco Bell. - Fuck Taco Bell.
How can I help you?
I got this cheque from my mom.
The thing is that she accidentally made it out to my sister,
and I'm not exactly sure how this works,
but she said it's okay if I just signed my name on the back,
and signed it over to myself, and I could cash it that way.
Let's take a look here. It has to be a First Federal cheque.
- Yeah. - Which it is.
And it's below what's in your account,
- so we can do that for you today. - Oh, great.
- Yeah, it's only like ten bucks. - Yeah.
Is there anything else?
Yeah. Um...
I've got a few, er... extras here,
just like the last one,
where they're signed over to myself.
So... I mean, it's...
Let's take a look. Um...
- Right. Well, they're all First Federal. - Mm-hmm.
And this is below what you have in your account,
- so we can do that for you. - Yeah, they're all small.
And I can get cash back for those cheques right now?
Um, yes.
With cheques that are signed over,
you just have to have enough in your account to cover them,
and you do, so I can... I can do that for you.
Cool.
Oh, and, er... you know, if you're ever in a bind,
the best thing to do is just go to the ATM,
deposit your cheques there,
and then you can withdraw 'em instantly.
Really?
Yeah.
Like, right there at the ATM, I can just get cash?
Right there at the ATM.
People do it all the time.
Really?
Beautiful.
♪
Fuck!
♪
You're late again.
Shit!
- What? What is it? - This stupid paper cutter cut my hand.
Carol? Carol!
- Carol! - What? What's wrong?
- The paper cutter just cut Marty's hand off. - What?
- No, it didn't cut my hand off. - Oh, my... Oh, my goodness.
Marty... ow! Stacy, er... first aid kit.
Ow. What were you doing?
Carol, it's broken. It came right down on my hand.
Marty, you have to be more careful. Oh, my goodness.
- First aid kit. - Great. Great.
Okay, you guys, back to work. Let's get to my office.
Did you have your hand right in the middle?
Christopher, Derek, back to work, please.
I'll wash this out too. It should come right out, so...
Blood stains, Marty.
Marty.
Here we go.
- Let's get you to Med Tech. - Okay.
And this won't cost anything, right?
No. Of course not.
There you go.
It's gonna leave a little scar, but it should heal up soon. Okay?
Oh, man, that sucked.
- So you said this happened today? - Yeah.
At work?
- Yeah. Like an hour ago. - An hour ago?
Maybe two hours.
Mmm. Looks like an older cut.
Like a day or so.
Well, I... I don't know.
What?
Hmm.
You don't have health insurance, do you?
No.
Hmm.
Okay. Keep it cold for the first 24 hours.
After that, change the gauze every four hours.
A nurse is gonna be in here to give you an ointment to apply every day. Okay?
- Really? - Yeah, that's it.
When you leave, go to the front desk, and do the paperwork.
- So that's it? - Have a good day, Marty.
Hey. Come in. Have a seat.
How's your hand?
Oh, okay.
- Got some stitches. - Ooh. Yikes.
Does that still hurt?
- Yeah, a little bit. - Oh.
Did they, er... send the paperwork over?
- They said they were gonna fax it. - Oh, yeah, they sent it over.
Okay.
Everything's cool with that? There's no problems?
- Problem? - Er... just whatever.
No. Everything should be in order.
- Is that it? - Um, yeah.
- You finish the stack of cheques? - Mm-hmm.
Okay. Good.
- Got 'em all done. - All of them?
Yeah. I don't know. It was pretty easy.
Wow. So you mailed them out?
Gave 'em to Stacy, then?
Marty, did you give the cheques to Stacy?
No. I mailed 'em myself.
How?
Just put stamps on 'em.
You paid the postage yourself?
No. I found some stamps.
Stacy has a postage meter at her desk.
Yeah, I know, but I had some old stamps in my drawer
that I just thought I'd use up, so...
- So they're gone already? - Yep.
Okay. I guess we'll just have to wait till next week,
and see if they start to get cashed then.
- Okay? - Er... how do you do that?
Well, I know the fund they get drawn from, so that's pretty easy.
Right. Cool.
You know what? If you're really interested in the process,
then from there we can view a scan of the front and back.
You know, for security.
- Security? - Yeah, security.
We have access to the exact images of all the cheques.
You know, just in case there's a problem with them.
Make sense? Marty?
Shit! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck!
Marty?
- Dude, what's up? - Nothin'. I'm fine.
- Did you get fired? - No.
It's 'cause of your hand thing, right?
- You got fired, didn't you? - No. Get the fuck outta here, man.
Or is it the cheques? The cheques or your hand. You got fired.
Dude, walk away!
I just gotta pee, man.
Mmm.
Are you just gonna stand there and watch me?
It's weird.
Mmm.
- Hey. - What?
- Let me crash at your place. - What?
Yeah, let me stay in your basement.
Don't...
Don't talk to me right now. Don't look at me. I'm peeing.
- Dude, come on. - Dude, I'm peeing.
Gay pervert!
Dude, I am not joking around here, man.
Hold on.
You wanna stay in the basement, huh?
Yeah.
You ready to dive into the party zone?
I don't know what that even means.
Come on, man, the party zone. I told you, I redid my basement.
- Now it's all party zone... - Oh, God. Whatever, man.
I just can't go home right now, all right? Shit is not cool.
There's like private surveillance cameras all over my place.
Dude, you're such a chicken, man.
No. Carol can see who cashes cheques.
- I told you. ll... - Ssh! Shut up!
I told you. I'm right. You're wrong.
Whatever, man. I just can't go home right now, all right?
So I need a place to stay.
Hmm.
- You need a place to stay, huh? - Yeah.
Well, two rules when it comes to the party zone.
First, you bring your own controllers.
Second...
it's my rules.
Third, if you don't wanna party,
you're in the wrong spot.
Got it?
This isn't gonna be a party-zone thing, man.
Well, then no deal.
Dude, I'm comin' over tonight.
Be prepared to party, then.
Dork.
Fuckin' loser.
Fuck!
When it goes through, then it...
Yeah. It'd come out like a cyborg,
with fillings,
yeah, um, artificial hip.
Whatever.
Hey, dude, I'm gonna see you in a little bit, man, so...
Yeah, all right. All right, later, dork.
Hi there. How can I help you?
Is Zach working today?
No.
He's usually the one that helps me with returns.
I'm sure I can help. What's goin' on?
I don't know, man.
It's a lot of stuff.
Guess so.
Yeah. I, uh, double ordered online, so...
Just lookin' to get my money back.
You have a receipt?
No. I didn't... I didn't print one off.
Order number? Should be able to look it up that way.
Zach doesn't usually ask for it,
so I never think to write it down, or bring it with me.
Can I see your ID?
ID, er...
I do not have that, man. I totally forgot.
Look, I make returns here all the time. This is crazy.
Mm-hmm. I'm sure you do.
I'm gonna get my supervisor on the phone.
- See if I can get her to sort this out. - Hold on. You know what?
My boss ordered this.
So ll just remembered that it should be under his account.
- Your boss ordered it? - Mm-hmm.
- It's under his account? - Yeah.
What's the name of the business?
Goddamn. Fuck!
Fuck!
You woke my dad, man. Come on.
Sorry, Dad. It was just Marty.
Down here.
Dude, stay right there. Stay right there. Wait on the steps.
I've been working on this. You're gonna love it.
Start some tunes...
- You ready? - Yes.
Okay, okay, okay. Here we go. Here we go.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the party zone.
Mmm... Oh.
Dude, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
I'm doing the party-zone thing, man.
Yeah, I guess.
Well, welcome to the basement.
Put your Hot Pockets in the fridge and sleep on the couch,
and I'll kill the party lights.
Come on in, dude.
This is lame.
- Ahh. - This couch sucks.
Er... don't stay here, complainer.
Just don't let anyone down here, all right?
Um, too bad. It's my house, my rules.
Well, it's your dad's house.
It's still my family's property.
My point is, this is my area now.
This is where I'm staying. This is my space.
Hmm. When you came in you saw CD tower,
work CD tower.
I have word-processing CDs in that tower.
This is my spot. It's my party zone, like I said.
So, if you don't like the rules,
go somewhere else.
- Party zone. - Yup.
You're gonna see...
You're gonna see what's going on here with this game.
I've had it like a week and a half.
I'm the best I've ever known of anybody on this game.
You've never even seen Level 10.
Watch this. Watch this.
One, two, three. Jump.
Extra life.
Watch this. Under. Over. Boom.
- What are you doing? - Just getting comfortable.
Oh, I don't know if I'm ready for that, man. Keep 'em on.
- All your clothes, keep 'em on. - What?
I don't want you taking off your clothes in front of me.
Gay-wad stuff.
Whoa. Whoa. What are you doing?
- What are you doing? - Well, I'm trying to lay down, man.
- Scooch down. - You're putting your feet on me.
Yeah. Scooch down, man. I'm trying to stretch out.
Dude, gay. Don't do this.
Well, I'm trying to go to bed, man.
- Go to bed? - Yeah.
- At eight-thirty? - Yes.
- You're tired? - Yes.
- You're serious? - I am.
- What am I supposed to do? - I don't...
Go change your dad's diaper. What do I care?
Dude, my dad doesn't wear diapers. You know that.
- Rude. - Well, go feed him or whatever.
He's gonna eat at ten o'clock.
I have an hour and a half. I wanna get to Level 10.
- I don't have anything else to do. - Well, I don't care.
I'm trying to lay down here, okay?
- Get some rest, all right? So... - This isn't gonna work.
Stop it.
Stop it, man.
What I'm gonna do, is I'm gonna take my controller.
I'm gonna take it upstairs, and since you didn't bring yours,
- you're screwed. So... - I don't care.
Here. Watch this.
Hmm.
Growing Pains. Hope you like reruns.
- I do. - Yeah. I bet you do.
"Jackinoffsky."
Loser.
All right, coming back, believe it or not.
Man, I can't believe it.
Oh. I gotta get into my mood here.
Geez.
Man, if I had to go through this every day, I would die.
Okay.
Feeling left out. It's just for fun.
It really is.! just do it for a Kick.
! don't take a lot of this seriously.
I take the impersonation itself seriously,
but as far as really wanting to be like Olivia Newton-John,
be Olivia Newton-John... Olivia's Olivia.
I get jealous.
I'm a guy, but I love Olivia.
This is...
You gotta give me a little more room, man. You gotta give me room.
- You've got plenty of room. - No, my wiener is right on the bar.
My wiener's on the bar, and I don't want your wiener near my butt...
My wiener's not near your butt.
I know, but if it does, like, it's just gonna ruin it all.
It's just gonna ruin it.
Okay. That's enough.
Okay, dude, it's 14-1.
Here we go.
Ah, dang it!
Dang!
I can do more.
I'm gonna beat my old record, I think.
Dang it.
Aaargh!
Keep 'em coming, man.
I'm doing pretty good.
Hey, it's too much, Marty.
- Slow it down. - No, man. You're doing well.
Doing very good.
- Slow it down, man. - No, keep it going, man.
This is...
Marty, slow it down.
Marty, that's too much.
Okay, look.
Marty, stop it, man. My...
Stop it, man.
Oh!
How many was that?
- Oh, you got a lot, man. - How many exactly?
I'll print out an award for you, for your cubicle.
Really?
Okay, here we go.
No points. Damn.
What's the score?
I think it's zero to zero now.
I made a comeback.
No, I got at least negative one.
Okay, zero to negative one.
Just give me a second. Give me a minute.
I like it like that. Mm-hmm.
Okay, dude.
I'm ready.
Whoa!
Was that a tennis ball? You're supposed to use a sock, dude.
Wha...
Not now. Come on, man.
Throw us a...
I'm turning off this crap music.
No, dude, this is my song, man.
Okay, that was in the butthole.
No.
You're gonna lose to this guy. You're gonna lose to him.
- Anybody ask about me at work? - Nope.
Really? Nobody?
Just Carol.
What'd you tell her?
She asked where you were, so I told her
you weren't coming in this week.
No, dude, you just say that I'm sick.
That's... that's what I said.
That he's sick and he's not coming in this week.
Yeah, but how would you know
that I'm gonna be gone for the entire week?
I'll tell her tomorrow that you're really, really sick.
No...
- Just don't say anything, all right? - Fine.
I'll send some e-mails or something. I don't know. Whatever.
Fine.
Did anybody ask about the cheques?
Er... ye...
Carol asked me if you really did mail 'em out.
I just...
I told her that I didn't know and it wasn't a big deal, and...
Dude, why didn't you tell me any of this earlier?
'Cause I told her that I didn't even know.
- So it's not a big deal. - Yeah, it's a huge deal.
Why do you think that she told you, man?
'Cause we're... we're friends.
No.
We're work friends.
I know.
She told you because you suck at lying.
Everybody at the office knows you suck at lying.
Why are you being such a baby about it?
Just go back to work and bring all your cheques, and you'll be fine.
Man, I can't just bring the cheques back.
I already told Carol that I mailed 'em out.
- Then mail 'em out. - I don't have the addresses.
Look them up in the White Pages.
No...
You're just making this way worse.
- I'm keepin' 'em. - Oh, that's a bad idea, dude.
That's why I gotta cash those cheques right away.
You're gonna get in trouble, dude.
I'm sorry, man.
I'm sorry, dude.
Here.
You can play the rest of my guy.
I don't care.
Here. Play my guy.
Come on, Marty. I'm sorry.
You're freakin' out. Relax.
Marty? Hello?
Come on, Marty.
- Hello. - What?
Derek?
Derek!
Mmm.
I feel good.
I'm ready now, man. Do it.
Dude! You hit my glasses.
What?
Okay, you just pretty much lost,
so I get a free shot at you right now.
Dude, I can't believe that.
Whatever, man. Psyching you out.
Oh, what are you gonna do, cheat even more now?
What are you doing?
What have you got, man? You can only use your hand.
Whatever you're doing is gonna be... This doesn't make...
I get a free throw at you, SO you can't cheat.
Oh! No way!
- When did you finish it? - A couple of days ago.
Oh, that's sweet.
- Let me try it on. - No.
Come on. Let me try it on.
- Cut your arm off, man. - That is awesome.
- I bet it's not that sharp. - Yeah, it is.
Here.
What if I threw a Bugle at it?
Right in half, out of thin air.
Okay.
I'm gonna throw two Bugles...
- I'm gonna throw three Bugles at you. - I'll get 'em all.
If one of 'em gets cut in half, I'll believe you.
- You ready? Sure? - Yeah.
- Here they come. - Okay.
- Let's go. - Do it.
Dude, that was embarrassing, man.
Those things are not sharp. That sucks.
I'll sharpen it up a little.
No. It sucks, man. It looks cool, but those aren't even sharp.
Couldn't even do anything with that.
I thought it was kinda scary at first, and sweet.
But it's not that sweet. It's like a toy.
The scary employee of the week,
wrinkled shrimp-dick motherfucker!
I accept the challenge.
Your mind games don't work on me.
Geez, man.
- I am king of the nation of... - Go to hell.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Dude, you cut me. You cut me. You cut me.
- Go get something. Stop the bleeding. - All right.
I'm gonna bleed. I'm gonna bleed. Dude, hurry up.
Oh, my gosh. Get a shirt.
Get a shirt or something.
Not that shirt. That's my Soundgarden shirt.
- Dude, you don't even listen to them. - No, doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.
Get something else. Oh, my gosh.
I'm gonna bleed soon, dude. I'm gonna start bleeding.
- Hurry, hurry, hurry. - Here.
- Oh! - Geez.
Oh, look at that.
Oh! Oh!
Do you think that's gonna bleed?
- Dude, it's not even cut. - I know, but...
I'm gonna start bleeding, right?
- Man... - Oh, that's bad.
This is unbelievable.
Those things aren't even sharp, dude. They suck.
Pssh. Lame.
So you just send the coupons in the mail, then?
Beautiful.
Yeah. Jackitansky.
So, I'm already in the system?
Well, that was like two weeks ago. Different problem.
Can you hold on one second?
Hey, what time is it?
Man, what time zone are you in?
How many hours behind? What...
Man, that's a strange work schedule, dude.
Yeah, you know what? I'm just gonna have to call you back, all right?
All right.
Derek?
Derek!
What?
- When did you get home? - None of your butt wax.
What's all that banging going on up there?
That's my dad's microwave. I just brought it in. I had to move it.
- Did you get a microwave? - Yeah.
Heat up this Hot Pocket for me.
You have a toaster oven.
- It sucks, dude. It cooks it all uneven. - Too bad.
Come on, man. Heat this thing up for me.
No. Besides, those two Hot Pockets you ate, those were mine.
I was gonna take them to lunch tomorrow.
Come on, man. I'll go get some coupons from my apartment for you later.
Oh, I don't want coupons. I want real Hot Pockets. Can't eat a stupid coupon.
Fine. I'll pick some up at the store, then.
Right now. Hot Pockets, and a big-ass Mountain Dew. Buy it.
- I... I'll do it later. - Yeah, right.
You haven't even left the basement since you've been here.
I... went out earlier today.
Yeah. I saw you outside today,
taking a big dump on the front lawn.
- Not. - Yes, I did.
Get me Hot Pockets and a big-ass Mountain Dew. Tonight.
- Do it. - Dare me?
I dare you right now.
I straight up dare you, man. Do it.
- What's up, man? - Hey.
- That it for you? - Yeah.
You have any of the regular cheddar?
Those are cheddar.
No, man, these are ham and cheddar.
It's the only cheddar we got.
Yeah, but there's ham in these, man.
Um, I got a coupon, too.
Ah, we usually don't take coupons, man.
Come on. Help me out somehow.
Sorry.
All right. $7.47.
Seven bucks for this box?
I don't make the rules.
Sh...
Out of ten...
Hey, er... you got any fives, man?
I need 'em for the register.
No. That's the only cash I had.
No fives?
Oh, yeah. You know what? Guess so.
Cool. Hey, let me buy this off you.
I'll make change for the rest, too.
- Okay. - All right, cool, man.
All right, so you give me the ten and the fives.
Let me give you a coupla ones back here for right now, just to hold on to.
Let me give you this one. You hold that for right now.
Man, hey, you catch the game earlier tonight?
You hold the 53 cents. Two from the $7.47.
You give me the five. There's the other single.
You should be good to go, man.
Hey, appreciate it. You have a good night, all right?
You shorted me five dollars, man.
What?
Yeah, you only gave me back $2.53.
Nah. No. No, man. I don't know what you're talking about.
-You got the right change. We're all square. No, I know how this works, man.
You got me all messed up with that fucking math, man. Come on, dude.
Look, you can come back tomorrow after we counted the drawer.
Hey, don't rip me off. I'm just a regular guy, all right?
You gotta come back tomorrow.
Take from the register, the shelves, or whatever, dude.
- You know what I mean? - You're wrong.
Give me the five bucks back now.
You're gonna have to leave now.
I'm about to come over the counter and kill you
if you don't give me the five dollars back.
You can get the fuck outta here
before I call the cops and gel your ass arrested.
You're a fucking thief.
Get the fuck out.
That was... that was all the cash that I had, man.
Bitch.
- What did you just say to me? - I said leave, bitch.
Motherfucker!
Fucking piece of shit!
Smile, bro.
Shit. Ah, sh...
Ah... Ah, shit.
Took you long enough, dork.
Got me in trouble with that fucking dare, man.
- What are you talking about, man? - When you made me go out.
What, did my dad just say something to you?
What does that mean? Why would your dad say anything?
Nothing. Just... about the cheques, man.
What about the cheques, Derek? You told him, didn't you?
- It was an accident, man. I'm sorry. - How you tell him accidentally?
We were just upstairs watching CSI: Miami, and there was this, like...
- You fucking told him. Asshole! - I'm sorry.
- Motherfucker! - Get off me! Marty, get off me!
Get off me.
Marty, stop it.
Marty! Get off me!
I'm gonna kick your ass, man!
Get...
Marty, stop it.
Aah! Get off me, psycho!
Fucker.
Psycho, dude.
- Fucker... - What are you doing?
I'm out of here. This fucking basement sucks, man.
What is this? You fucking touched my glove?
- Jesus Christ. - You fucked me!
You fucked me! You fucked me!
- Where are you gonna go? - I don't know. To hell, probably.
- Come on. Give me some cash. - What?
You owe me for this, man. Come on. I got nothing.
- I don't think I have any money. - Well, check and see, Derek.
Okay, okay, okay.
One second, man. Relax.
- Come on! Hurry up! - Hold on, hold on.
I got... Wait. I got, like, fifteen...
- This fucking works, man. - I'm sorry.
Geez.
Asshole.
Oh!
Yeah, it turns out signing it over was a really good idea.
Yeah.
No, I... I'm good.
I'm probably getting a raise soon, so that will help.
Yeah. How's Dad?
Yeah, well, he didn't even tell me he was coming into town, so...
Oh, whatever. He's busy. I know.
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just tired.
You know, work.
No. Come on, I've been good about it.
I don't even act like that anymore.
I'm happy now.
Everyone really likes me.
Anyway... no, I'm just calling to say "hi", so...
I haven't seen you in a while.
I'll probably be by for Thanksgiving.
You...
Don't. Er... I just... I'll walk over.
I don't know...
I think that it's "TV", then "Power".
And then "Auxiliary", then "Power" again.
Well, I don't know then!
Wait... can you just tell Dana and Kelly that I love 'em?
Please? Okay?
All right.
Bye, Mom.
- The 7:30 for Detroit leave yet? - Not yet.
- What time is it? - 7:25.
Al right, so I still got five minutes?
- You know where there's an ATM around? - Up the road.
Okay, is it a First Federal ATM? It's got to be a First Federal ATM.
- Believe so. - All right. Okay.
I have one adult,
non-smoking room for one night. Is that correct?
Yep.
All right. Will this be cash or credit today?
Cash.
It looks like your room plus the fee comes to 180, sir.
180, huh?
That's all right. I got that.
Thank you.
I'm also gonna need a card to keep on file.
Just for any incidentals.
Incidentals, huh?
That'll be perfect.
Is there anything else we can do for you today?
Yeah. You guys got like a large metal file?
Um, I guess I could ask maintenance.
- Good. - Anything else?
You got room service up in this bitch?
I was wondering if I get any free stuff.
Yeah, complimentary. That's what I meant.
Er... I don't know. Chips or anything?
No.
All right, well, can I get like a...
like a twenty dollar plate of spaghetti?
Oh, beautiful.
And do I get chips with that?
- Hello. - Here you are.
There you go. You remembered!
Of course, Mr Jackitansky.
- Thank you very much. - Enjoy your meal.
Thank you.
Ha-ha!
Fuck.
Hello.
Hey.
I don't have an ID for you.
Is that gonna be a problem?
Well, if it's a cash transaction, it shouldn't be a problem.
- That's awesome. - Yeah, just fill that out.
And do you want a tub room or a shower room?
Is there a price difference?
Tub room's 22, shower's 28.
Oh. Er... shower's fine.
For one night?
Yeah, one night's good.
All right.
Hang on to this key.
I don't have a, er... replacement, and if you lose it,
- you're gonna be out all night. - Gotcha.
Okay. All right.
Your room is the last one on the left.
Excuse me.
- Hi. May I help you? - Yeah. Just, er...
I need a copy of this key made.
Hold on. Hold on. We don't do hotel keys.
No, no, no, it's not.
It sure look like a hotel key to me.
It's not. It's just a... it's just a house key.
All right. Don't want no trouble.
No, seriously.
All right. A buck ten.
You guys cash cheques here?
Hell, no. Read the sign.
Oh, Je...
- Morning. - Hey.
- Checking out? - I'm checking out.
Key. Thank you.
Hey. Did anyone come looking for me last night?
Excuse me?
Did anyone come, like, looking for me?
- Are you in trouble? - No.
I certainly hope not.
We pride ourselves on our customers abiding by the law,
- and following our very simple rules. - Oh, yeah?
Like that chick outside my window yelling that song at the top of her lungs all night?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
We take hospitality very seriously here.
Whatever, man.
No-one else.
Well, maybe we can pick up where we left off.
What the fuck?
Shit.
- Hey, how you doing? - Who the fuck are you?
Hey. Don't worry about it. I'm outta here.
- Larry! Well, who are you? Larry! - You don't have to call anybody.
I'm leaving right now. I'm just gonna grab my stuff.
- Larry! - You don't have to call anybody.
- I'm taking off. - Larry, get in here!
- No, really, seriously, I'm out the door. - He was asleep.
- Hey, Larry. - Just laying there.
- How'd you get in here? - Door was open.
No, that is not true. It was locked all night.
Call the cops. Tell them we have an intruder.
No, don't. Don't call the cops.
- It's not necessary. - Call the cops. Call the cops.
- No, you don't have to call anybody. - Sit the fuck down!
Call the cops.
- Seriously, hang up the phone. - Shut up.
Look at me.
You're that weasel who was here two nights ago.
Call them. Tell them we got an intruder
- who broke into the room. - Don't call them.
- Call the cops. - Hang it up.
- Shut up. Call the cops! - Hang up the phone.
- Call... - Hang up the phone!
Hang up the phone.
No problems. Just go.
Hi. Er...
The... there's something that's just a little funny about this Egg McMuffin.
Okay, I can get you a fresh one.
There you go. Sorry about that.
And, er... you don't have, like, a little pair of, like, scissors, do you?
- Hi. - Hey.
Payday loan?
No, actually, just, er... cash some cheques.
Well, do you have your form ready, then?
My form?
Right. Er... no.
Take this, fill it out, bring it back up. And have an ID ready.
Your ID?
These cheques aren't in your name.
Well, yeah, they were sign... I signed them over to me.
- You... what? - I mean...
They've been signed over to me.
Er... just...
That's not a big deal, right? It's a normal thing.
Just hang on one minute. I'll... I'll be right back.
No, if it's a problem, I don't need 'em cashed right now. You...
All right, er... can you come back here for just a second?
Sure.
Good. Figure out how to get you your money. Yup, right through there.
How's it going?
All right.
So it's Martin, er... what's the... How do you say the last name?
- Jackitansky. - Jackitansky.
Right. It's Polish.
No.
- You sure it's not Polish? - Yeah.
I'm Kowalczyk, and that's Polish. That's why I was asking.
Hmm.
I'm being rude. I never really introduced myself.
Um, I'm Craig Kowalczyk, and this is my place.
- How you doing? - All right.
So, what do you do for a living, Martin?
I, er... I work at Walmart.
I love that place.
What do you do there?
I'm a night stocker.
Night stalker?
I stack shelves at night.
Oh, right.
I heard something else, but...
Of course, that makes way more sense.
Which one do you work at?
I don't know. The big one.
The big one. Er... the big one that's, like, right off the highway?
They're all the same, dude. Look, what's up here?
Are you gonna cash these cheques or what?
Are you in a hurry? Do you have work tonight?
- Yeah. - Okay.
- What time you got to work? - Like, in ten minutes.
Shoot.
Probably have to call 'em.
I don't want you to get in trouble, but we gotta get this all sorted out.
I don't even care anymore.
Really, just... I'll cash 'em later. It's not a big deal.
It shouldn't take her too much longer.
We just... we gotta wait for someone else to get here.
- Who? - I had to call someone else in.
- You know, protocol. - Who?
Who? It's just protocol. You gotta do things in a certain order,
and so we gotta wait for this other guy to get here.
What is this "protocol", man? You're not even making any sense.
- What is this? - All right, er...
You want me to come direct, Martin?
You got, er... you got five cheques here.
None of 'em are in your name.
- No, they're all signed over to me. - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, I see that they've been signed over 10 you.
I get that.
In my business, this is what's called a "red flag".
First off, we don't cash cheques that are signed over like that.
"Red flag" - is that a, er... technical term?
You trying to be an asshole?
'Cause I'm trying to be cool.
Now, anytime someone comes in here with something like this,
I'm trained to call the authorities.
Authorities? Well, who's that?
Who do you think it is, Martin? I'm trained to call the police.
You called the cops?
We take this very seriously, Martin,
because it's very rare that someone would have five of these,
made out to them in this way.
I'm not accusing you of anything, dude.
I'm just trying to make sure you know exactly what's going on here.
Okay”? Yeah, I called the police.
They're gonna come in. They're gonna ask you some questions,
make sure everything checks out, all right?
It shouldn't be too big of a deal.
You seriously called the cops?
It's not a big deal, Martin.
Unless you're trying to commit a crime.
I hope that's not what this is.
Geez, man, I mean... But, I've seen it all.
Yeah. I've seen people snatched up by the police
for some stupid-ass two hundred dollar scam,
but, man, you've only got $90 worth of cheques here.
So that'd be pretty dumb. I mean, if you know what I mean.
Man, you're the one that's doing wrong here.
What are you talking about?
- This whole business is a crime. - Well, you know, we can ask the officers
if they agree with you when they get here.
Just give me my ID back, dude.
All right, I don't... I don't work like that, Martin.
You gotta realise that you'd be facing more than forgery here.
Okay, this could be way worse.
I want my ID back.
You need to take a deep breath, and you need to settle down,
and we're gonna wait this shit out together.
You... you're an asshole, man.
I'm sorry. What?
You're shit. Everything you do is shit.
This whole corporate thievery.
It's... this is wrong. You know that?
Where do you get "corporate" from? I own this place.
Well, fuck. Whatever, man. That's worse.
Jesus, man. I'm gonna come over there...
You need to settle down and chill out,
and we're gonna wait this shit out.
I'm gonna strangle you and rip your fucking face off.
- You're gonna play tough guy now? - Yeah. Yeah.
Well, let's do it before the cops get here.
You know, you're the reason people get mad and die, man.
I'm gonna Kill you, you understand?
You need to calm down until they get here.
- No. I'm leaving. - No, no, no, you're not.
- Get the fuck off of me! - You calm the shit down!
Motherfucker.
You little shit!
What the hell are you doing?
What the hell is that?
I'm ta... taking the cheques, and I'm taking my ID.
Oh, you...
Find your jacket?
- Happy, baby? - Yes.
Derek. Yeah, it's Marty.
Hey.
Don't worry about where I'm at.
Look, is anybody asking about me at work?
No, not like Stacy. Jesus!
Carol? She say anything?
What?
Carol got fired?
So I'm good, then. There's no way...
The cheques, man. That's it. I'm free.
Oh, beautiful.
All right, man. That's... hey.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that, man.
Look, I'll pay you back, all right? Don't worry about it.
I'll pay you back next time I see you.
No, I promise.
All right, I gotta...
No, it's... It's "Sasquatch" everywhere.
It's "Yeti" in the Himalayas.
I know. "Skunk Ape" in Florida. I know. That one is so weird, right?
Look, I can't do this right now, man. I gotta go, all right?
Okay. I'll talk to you later, Derek. Okay.
All right. Later, dork.
Whoo-ooh.